Without him a woman becomes suspicious, anxious and full of apprehension, feels emotionally trapped. Jealousy keeps her in suspense and does not allow her to breathe freely.

The most common and common cause of jealousy is fear. Fear of being abandoned, betrayed, abandoned, fear of being left without love. Its roots go deep into childhood, when the girl was ignored as a person. When she was not meaningful to her parents. When she was forced, forced, not heard, rejected, abandoned, forgotten, crushed ...

All people feel fear when they are not loved unconditionally, and we don’t need love with conditions (“I will love you if you ...”). It makes us constantly anxious. We are afraid to be bad for someone.

According to my observations, the worm of jealousy especially torments women who experienced the divorce of their parents in childhood.

Jealous, we project onto our partner our fear of not receiving love. We have a childhood experience that tells us that we need to control our partner, otherwise we will lose him. Но именно контроль, как мы выяснили ранее, приводит нас к утрате relations.

During my work as a family psychologist, I was able to identify and classify nine types of jealousy - depending on its true motives and activating factors, namely: fear; mistrust; paranoid behavior; envy; a fantasy in which a partner is having a great time without you; low self-esteem; fear of comparison; thinking error caused by subjective logic; belief in the ownership of a partner (“you are mine!”); the phenomenon of transfer (“I am ready to change, so you are ready”); painful stimulation of the libido.

These are different facets of a dangerous neurosis, but they all have one thing in common - stupid and destructive behavior. Stupid - because jealousy does not help in any way and does not solve problems, it always manifests itself either too early or too late. Разрушительное – потому что ревность представляет реальную опасность для relations.

The task of this book does not include a detailed analysis of the topic of jealousy, however, knowing how common this problem is, I will give a brief algorithm for getting out of this "swamp".

Way out of jealousy
Steps:

1. Recognize the type of jealousy and basic fears (most often they come from childhood).

2. Atспокоиться.

3. Accept and process the possibility that your partner may cheat on you. Realize that life is not on this ends.

4. Show sincerity. (“I’m afraid to lose you… I can’t help myself… Help me…”). This will work better than a tantrum.

5. Atсилить любовь к себе! Direct your attention to yourself. Stop thinking about your partner, start thinking about yourself. Separate your emotional well-being from the man. If we give ourselves the right amount of love, we have no fear of losing it.

6. Вместо борьбы с «соперницей» – повышать привлекательность наших relations.

Let's hope that in your life you will heroically overcome the trap of jealousy. If you can’t cope on your own, in my psychological center there is a special methodological lesson dedicated to the topic of liberation from this ailment that is deadly for relationships.

Later in this chapter I will give you, my dear reader, some practical recommendations. By methodically fulfilling them, you will certainly increase your individual ability to bring the magical energy of trust into relationships with a man.

How to regain confidence in a man if he cheated
By trusting another, we let him into our inner world. That is why the loss of trust hurts so much for everyone. This loss separates people and destroys the relationship between partners.

A woman trusted, loved a man, opened her heart to him, and he cheated on her. She continues to love this man, but does not know what to do, whether to trust him further. There is a good proverb about this: “If a person has done an act once, this does not mean that he will do it a second time, but if he did it a second time, then the third time will be necessary.”

Each of us can make mistakes. And in life there are many examples when a person realizes his mistake and never repeats it again.

In any case, the decision to continue the relationship will always be yours, and it is not so difficult to make it. To do this, I suggest you imagine the scales. On one bowl, place all that good that exists between you and, as you think, could have been if there had not been a betrayal, and on the other bowl - your heartache from betrayal, which upon closer examination will turn out to be nothing more than fear lose the contents of the first bowl. See what overrides. If fear and pain - run to a psychologist! These problems can and should be solved by psychological means. Well, if the "bright" bowl outweighs, it means that you have already started the process of psychological recovery, and your inner strength will definitely be enough to bring back the pleasant course of life.

In addition, several important reflective questions can help you in this “weighing”.

• How are we going to handle infidelity—as teenagers or as adults?

• Will I be able to forgive, forget and live with this person as before, without claims, accusations, reminders and fear that everything will happen again?

• Will he be able to return and love me as before, and maybe even more, will he do everything so that I can trust him again and be able to trust myself?

• Do we really need each other?

• If needed, why?

• What do we expect from each other and are we able to give it to each other?

• Do we want, do we have an inner need to take care of each other?

• What awaits us in the future? Will we try to reunite as if nothing happened, or will we change something? Do we two have the strength and desire to go through these trials and make our family stronger than it was?

If these questions are answered like: “no”, “not sure”, “partially”, then this is again a reason to turn to a psychologist and work through this situation until complete recovery. At нас есть действительно сильные технологии. Experts help.

By the way, be prepared that the psychologist will ask questions about your part of the "contribution" to the cause of his betrayal. Know that in any family problem there is no 100% guilty or innocent. It always takes two hands to clap.

How to deal with distrust?
Where is the exit? Oddly enough - trust! Atниверсального метода не существует. A clear understanding that distrust is a road to nowhere is already enough to move the situation forward.

Try to analyze where your distrust comes from? There are not so many options: fear and self-doubt; a sense of ownership; projection of his own dishonesty on a man. What to do is intuitively clear: in the first case - to increase self-esteem, in the second - to come to terms with the autonomy of a partner, in the third - to look for problems in yourself, and not in a man.

There is another reason, very unpleasant, but common, namely, distrust as a habit. Maybe you never trusted anyone, you just weren't taught that. Тогда придется study. Aren't family and happiness worth it?

When if a man does not trust you, everything is different. Changing another person is even more difficult than working on yourself. To begin with, you can calmly talk to him and try to find out the reasons for his attitude. Believe me, the incredulous suffers no less than those who fell victim to his suspicions. The situation of constant suspicion and anxiety does not bring pleasure to anyone, and if you show the way of deliverance, a person will gladly follow it.

If all else fails, you can resort to a measure that is gaining popularity among smart people - contact a psychologist. Professional help will certainly help to deal with the situation.

The most important thing is to understand that the situation of suspicion, complete control and baseless accusations is very far from the norm. Trust in relationships is a delicate and fragile matter. Once staggered, it is difficult to restore.

Trust-building behavior
A woman can show (or not show) trust in a man only through behavior (if you know another way, let me know, I will be very grateful!). Practice the right behavior and it will soon become a habit. What is the point? I will list.

Behaviors that demonstrate trust:

• neutral, calm reaction to the mistakes and mistakes of a man;

• фразы «Ты сможешь», «At тебя получится» и все их производные;

• openness in intimate relationships. The ability to say not only about what you want, but also about what you don’t want, and in an affectionate, calm way, and not “I have a headache, leave me alone”;

• absence of forms of behavior demonstrating mistrust.

Behavior showing distrust:

• "finishing" in a situation where he made a mistake;

• any tantrums, threats, accusations;

• фраза "Where have you been?" and all its derivatives (control);

• jealousy in any, even the mildest form;

• checking his cell phone, diary, correspondence, social media accounts, etc.;

• desire to help, suggest, take care, insure, remind;

• any unsolicited advice;

• any comparison of a man with anyone else is not in his favor;

• the phrase "I told you!";

• the desire to do most any male work;

• rejection of boundaries and distance;

• single-handed decision-making.

Dealing with fears from the past
As you and I already understood from Of the above, one of the most common reasons for distrust is the sad experience of relationships in the past. If you have already been burned more than once, you will naturally be afraid to come close to the "fire of relationships" again. Betrayal, humiliation, ugly actions