Mysterious man. Why does he not want to get married first, and then get divorced? Olga Ivanovna Makhovskaya

Preface.
Most women still want to get married, even if they profess independence, professionalism, individual style. "Why doesn't he want to get married?" - a young woman asks a friend, mother, psychologist, but not a man. Looking closely at the behavior and evaluating the actions of men, women themselves are gradually retreating from traditional ideas about marriage, accepting a compromise, albeit unreliable, civil or guest marriage.
Why do men not value relationships, are not in a hurry to strengthen the connection and do not consider marriage as the epicenter of life? Maybe the reason is low intelligence, social immaturity, fear of intimacy, trauma inflicted in a previous marriage? Love for mom? Father hatred? Loyalty to a friend? All the same, a woman in a businesslike way would like to dispose of the psychological resource of the couple.
As a rule, the picture is complex, polymotivated, and the reasons for celibacy are not so simple and obvious. The totality of mythologemes, beliefs and attitudes that prevent men from marrying, and constitute an individual anti-marriage syndrome in each case.
A careful study of the phenomenon on Russian material shows that the anti-marriage syndrome has hidden fundamental causes that even those who have seven spans in their foreheads are not aware of. After reading this book, women will be armed and will be able to outmaneuver men. I was not afraid to interview men and ask them about what women are usually afraid to ask, so as not to frighten, not to destroy unsteady happiness.

The good news is that none of the men I interviewed agreed with the existence of the anti-marital syndrome. “No one gives a vow not to marry. It would be strange. When I have a bad relationship with a girl, I understand that marriage is not for me! But when I met the girl of my dreams, I was ready to marry her right tomorrow!”
Another good news: men seem to have switched places with women and already want to get married. They complain that a woman cannot be dragged into the registry office, that she values ​​​​her freedom and is not going to take care of her family. More and more men, married and already married, come to psychologists with a request for psychological intimacy, an emotional response. They are interested in how to improve the quality of relationships, not to get lost in everyday trifles and squabbles, not to turn the family into a team for making money, repaying a loan. "Where are they, these warm, caring, gentle women?" It seems to me that men and women make their way towards each other. And this little book is designed to help us all find a common language.

Chapter 1
● Seven Reasons Why a Man Doesn't Want to Get Married

● Seven Reasons to Get Married You Can't Argue Against

● Parental prohibitions - a vow of celibacy sewn into the script of life

● The family is like a corporation that breaks up every New Year

● Why is the star not yours? From the life of exclusive suitors

● Anti-marital syndrome - when he says "no" all the time (interviews with unmarried men)

Seven reasons why a man does not want to get married
The first reason is the fear of poverty and poverty, from which the current generation of Russian suitors has grown. They reason something like this: “You can’t feed yourself, but then there’s this one!” Wife, children and other relatives are perceived as a burden that can be avoided. Of course, at twenty, such fears are understandable, but when at thirty-five, and at forty, and at forty-five, the same fear of “getting caught”, “running into big money, expenses” sounds from the lips of a man, we can safely bypass such scammers. Kidalt - from the English words kids and adoults - "adult children." And from the word "throw" - they will throw and not blink an eye. And without reaching the registry office.

The second reason is that men do not want to marry because they cannot stop: each next girl seems to him better than the previous one, and there is no way to marry everyone. Such a macho is usually "helped" by difficult circumstances and shock therapy. For example, if one of the potential brides announces pregnancy, all the stars go out in the eyes of the man. He is no longer in love. You have to make bad decisions. Run? Ruin oneself by drink? Offer money? Or get married? Oh, not that... Desperate men usually show maximum consistency and first get married, then drink too much, and then run away. They almost never offer money. See the first reason.

The third reason is the notorious male freedom. This is the punishment that God came up with for men, and Adam got it first. The freedom of a man is the memory of paradise, which Adam gave up in exchange for joy with Eve. The memory of a carefree life in ignorance and innocence torments men at night, especially after sex (before sex, a man is obsessed with the desire to connect with a woman at all costs). Hence the desire of a man for a woman to disappear, to disappear into a haze after he spent a night of love with her. The state of carelessness and ignorance is what a man remembers about paradise most of all. He would like to have all the best on earth, but at the same time live in heavenly dreams. The romanticism of men is because of their heavenly aspirations. Elevating a woman, they seem to say: “If you were really an unearthly creature, you would not torment me with your primitive, mundane claims!” When they elevate us, they actually warn that they are ready to play only until the moment when the bill is presented - a ticket to the registry office is issued.

The fourth reason is that a man loves freedom. All this love is carrots, emotions are for women, and a man likes to achieve specific goals, he likes to be cold-blooded and purposeful. And independent. If he perceives marriage as an obligation to consult with his wife on every little thing, then the family loses all attractiveness for him. After the birth of a child, a woman does receive carte blanche, privileges, an undeniable argument in her favor. Such a prospect can frighten and cool a man. “Still have time,” he thinks. - Another time somewhere in the future somehow another time sometime later. There are many women, but I am alone!”

The fifth reason - the sad experience of parents can also cool the desire of a man. If women are afraid to repeat the experience of their mother, then men remember and think about their fathers. If the father lived an ordinary life, achieved nothing, such an experience frightens and stops the son. A man can openly talk about the origin of his fears: "I'm ready for anything, just not to be the same loser as my father."

Sixth reason. They don't want to get married? Yes, they want it with all their heart! But they can't! One hundred reasons: the boss is a fool, an elderly and out of her mind grandmother, bad heredity, debts, a family curse ... Do you want to get all this together with your chosen one? Who will give you? Who dares to burden you with such worries? Burden you with problems? No decent gentleman would take such a step. And don't dream. You met a real man. And not some kind of weakling who is ready to rush to the registry office at the first call. Just to dump all the confusion in your life on your chosen one. This is how it can line up the line of male defense.

The man is behaving strangely. For example, he may remind you that he periodically has very serious economic problems. Or he complains about his health: “I have a sick heart, an attack can happen every minute!” Try attacking him with marriage talk. But he won’t let his chosen one leave either: “Do you want me to die right now?”, “Well, can we remain friends?” Sometimes they call it erotic friendship - a good relationship with sex. “But still, this is not love,” one of my clients assured me. - It's just a very good relationship without obligations. Why are women so eager to ruin everything by wanting to get married?” Because every woman wants to be the only one. She wants to be in a symmetrical relationship when she is ready to call a man her only chosen one.

The seventh reason is that my mother is against marriage. It is always inconvenient to fight against your mother: she is older, she gave birth to him, raised him - and for this reason alone she must be treated with respect. Infantile men literally hide behind their mother's skirt, presenting their fears, unwillingness to tie the knot as obligations to their mother. It is always worth getting to know your parents in order to re-look at your chosen one. It may turn out that mom is not such a sinister figure. Moreover, for the first time she hears that her son has had an affair for several years on the verge of marriage. “Did you want this news to kill her?!” The news did not kill her, but pleased her. “Of course I had to prepare it… It took years!”

Sometimes he himself does not know whether he wants to marry or not. Help him make a list of reasons why he can't