The 1875 Code of the Gentleman – Rules to Remember Today

The concept of the word “gentleman” has changed and developed over time, going from designation of a representative of the necessarily high class to simply a well-mannered, balanced and unflappable person who adheres to certain rules of behavior. This phenomenon was especially widespread in England of the 19th century, laying the foundation for stable associations of this word with images of mustachioed men in high top hats and tailcoats. But, of course, the main distinguishing feature of a gentleman was not clothes and a hat, but a strict adherence to principles, the so-called “gentleman’s code.”

We want to introduce you to the basic rules of communication for gentlemen who came to us from that era. Some of them will seem ridiculous today, while others, on the contrary, are completely relevant. First published in 1875 in A Gentleman’s Guide to Etiquette by Cecil B. Hartley.

1. Even if you are sure that your opponent is completely wrong, keep the discussion calm, express arguments and counter-arguments without getting personal. If you see that the interlocutor is adamant in his delusion, then deftly turn the conversation to another subject, leaving him the opportunity to save face, and you to avoid anger and irritation.

2. Have, if you like, strong political convictions. But don’t stick them out anyway, and never force other people to agree with you. Listen calmly to other opinions about politics and do not get into heated arguments. Let your interlocutor think that you are a bad politician, but do not give him a reason to doubt that you are a gentleman.

3. Never interrupt someone who is speaking. Even simply specifying the wrong date can be impolite if no one asked you to. It is even worse to finish his thought for a person or to rush him in any way. Listen to the end of an anecdote or story, even one you already know.

4. The height of bad manners is distraction while talking to your watch, phone or notebook. Even if you are tired and bored, don’t show it.

5. Never try to prove you’re right by raising your voice, being arrogant or derogatory. Always be kind and frank, free from any dictatorship.

6. Never unless, of course, you have been asked to do so, do not talk about your own business or profession in society. In general, pay less attention to your person.

7. A gentleman with real intelligence and culture tends to be humble. He may feel, when in the company of ordinary people, that he is intellectually superior to those around him, but he will not seek to show his superiority over them. He will not seek to touch on topics in which the interlocutors do not have the appropriate knowledge. Everything he says is always marked by courtesy and respect for the feelings and opinions of others.

8. No less important than the ability to speak well is the ability to listen with interest. It is this that makes a person an excellent interlocutor and distinguishes a person from a good society.

9. Never listen to a conversation between two people that is not meant for you. If they are so close that you can’t help but hear them, you can respectfully just move to another place.

10. Try to be as brief and to the point as possible. Avoid lengthy distractions and off-topic remarks.

11. If you listen to flattery, then you must also open the gates of stupidity and excessive conceit.

12. When talking about your friends, don’t compare them to each other. Talk about the virtues of each, but don’t try to enhance the virtues of one by opposing the vices of the other.

13. Avoid talking about any topic that might hurt those who are absent. A gentleman will never slander or listen to slander.

14. Even a witty person becomes tiresome and ill-mannered when he tries to completely absorb the attention of the company.

15. Avoid too frequent use of quotations and great thoughts. As a spice to food, they can brighten up a conversation, but too much of them spoils the dish.

16. Avoid pedantry. This is not a sign of intelligence, but of stupidity.

17. Speak your native language correctly, at the same time don’t be too much of a formal correctness of phrases.

18. Never make comments if others make mistakes in their speech. Paying attention with a word or other action to such mistakes of the interlocutor is a sign of bad manners.

19. If you are a specialist or a scientist, avoid using technical terms. This is in bad taste because many will not understand them. If, however, you accidentally use such a word or phrase, it would be an even greater mistake to immediately rush to explain its meaning. No one will thank you for highlighting their ignorance so much.

20. Never try to play the role of a jester in a company, because very quickly you will acquire the fame of a “funny person” for parties. This role is unacceptable for a real gentleman. Strive to ensure that your interlocutors laugh with you, but not at you.

21. Avoid boasting. Talking about your money, connections, opportunities is very bad taste. In the same way, you should not be proud of your closeness with prominent people, even if it has a place to be. Constantly emphasizing “my friend, Governor X” or “my close acquaintance, President Y” is pompous and unacceptable.

22. Do not strive to give your image excessive depth and sophistication, contemptuously refusing cheerful conversations, jokes and entertainment. Try to act in accordance with the society in which you are, unless it is contrary to other gentleman’s rules.

23. It is completely rude, indecent and stupid to insert quotes, expressions and terms in a foreign language into your speech.

24. If you feel that you are starting to get angry in a conversation, then either turn to another topic or shut up. You can utter words in the heat of passion that you would never use in a calm state of mind, and for which you will later bitterly regret.

25. “Never talk about the rope in the presence of a person whose relative was hanged” – this is a rude, but true folk proverb. Carefully avoid topics that may be too personal for the interlocutor, do not interfere in other people’s family affairs. Do not seek to discuss other people’s secrets, but if they are still trusted to you. then consider this as a very valuable sign and never pass on your knowledge to a third party.

26. Although travel contributes to the development of the mind and outlook of a gentleman, it is still not worth inserting the phrases: “when I was in Paris …”, “in Italy they don’t wear this …”, and so on.

27. Avoid gossip. This и в женщине выглядит отвратительно, но для мужчины это абсолютно подло.